“It is finished!”

A blessed Paschal Triduum to all of you! And a happy Easter as well!


I had two very moving days with beautiful and very intense services (the picture above is from my church).

Since my priest is pretty sure that this will be my last Easter celebration within his parish, that I will already have entered “my” congregation this time next year, he asked me to take part in the Washing of the Feet this time.

He has asked me for the past three years already, but so far, I always refused. But since it seemed really important to him, I agreed this time.

I can’t say what it did to me, but there were so many emotions involved, and tears and… just everything. It went right into my soul and did… things there. I don’t even have words to describe what it did, but it did something very essential to me, something very good, and I will be eternally grateful that I agreed to take part in it.

The Good Friday service is always very powerful and touching and if this should really be my last Easter here, I can leave with very intense memories.

And tomorrow evening I will once more be able to take one of the readings, Exodus!

And in a way, it is my birthday as well tomorrow, because four years ago, I had my conversion during Easter Vigil, which started me off on this amazing journey.

Not that I had any idea then, that, four years later, I would consider religious life in a contemplative order, but there you go. God has an amazing sense of humour and knows what is good for us.

Thank you, God, for all these wonderful presents you gifted me with!

So yeah, this time of the year is very emotional and wonderful this time around, even more so than usually already, and I hope that you all will have equally intense and amazing days!


Next steps towards my vocation!

It has been quite some time since I updated last on the topic of my discernment journey and vocation to religious life, but since there are some people who are curious and would like to know what is happening…:

(please excuse possible grammar weirdness and mistakes. It is a long text and I have to leave for work now, but I hope most makes sense)

February, I went for another visit to “my” sisters/congregation. It was another wonderful visit.

Since my first visit there, when I (quite unexpectedly) hopelessly fell in love with their spirituality, it has been 16 months. Since then, I spent every single day of my vacation (and more – thanks to working overtime) to visit them or one of their other houses, getting to know their spirituality, their life and the sisters.

I prayed with them, lived with them, meditated with them, we talked, laughed, discussed – just everything you usually do with people when you feel a kind of connection – and then some more.

And I got my heart broken over and over again when I had to leave after each stay 😀

All the while waiting patiently (hah!) for the annulment of my marriage (a process that has been going on for 18 months now), doing exercises – with them and alone at home, and, on the way, implementing the contemplative way of life, which I got to know there, into my daily life – as much as was possible. But even what little was possible has been a blessing to my life already.

During the 16 months, I only fell further in love with everything.

And I talked to people around me, so most people know what I’m doing by now – and nobody was surprised, which was weird, but also a relief and a sign (for me), that I’m on the right way.

Last November, I got to meet the sister who founded the congregation and spent the day with her. Such an amazing woman! Anyway, at the end of that stay in November, I clearly told them that they are my congregation, that I couldn’t imagine joining any other. They were, as during the entire time, very kind, but also rather calm about my statement.

Then I went there again February.

I had a long talk with one of the sisters, who told me about her way (she was called to religious life my age as well, so there are some similarities – minus the marriage and adult child), the problems she faced and just everything, very openly.

At the end of my stay, during my last talk (just when I had decided to finally ask, how my way could continue, once the marriage annulment has been taken care of) with the sister who is responsible for visitors like me, who show up there to live with them — and then never go away anymore 😀 – she opened the topic herself and said that it has been some time since my first visit and asked how I see my future with them.

So, the feeling that I’m in the right place is mutual. If I want to join them, they want me as well.

Of course, there’s still the annulment (which is on a good way, I think), followed by me dissolving my life here and moving in with them, followed by a few months of really living with them (probably shorter than usual, since we have known each other that long already) and then – God willing – postulate, novitiate and so on.

So, yes, that it is.

It was a long talk, which still fills me with such joy, relief and gratefulness!


I’ve been talking to my priest/spiritual director about the upcoming visit to “my” sisters/congregation:

Me: Maybe it is on time to let them know that I want to join them (–whenever it will be possible, seeing my special circumstances—). I mean, I am certain about it. There is no other congregation for me…
He, laughing: Oh, seeing that you spent all your holidays there this year , they may suspect something like that already.

Reasons why I love him. Anyway just a few more hours until I will be there again, living and praying with them ♥

“Nothing is more practical…

…than finding God,
That is, than falling in a love in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings,
What you will do with your evenings,
How you spend your weekends,
What you read,
Who you know,
What breaks your heart,
And what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.”

— Pedro Arrupe

My personal happiness today:

Packing to visit my (probably, at least it very much feels this way) future community tomorrow, to finally be able to spend some days there again.


And in many ways, it will be a special visit, which will end with the celebration of two perpetual vows.

That is also the day when my worlds will collide for the first time, since my priest is invited to the celebration as well. He recommended the community to me after all and seeing how unexpected well it worked, it feels right for him to be there, in my “other” world. And he’s only the first. Next year, a dear friend and I will have a pilgrimage to the community, so that she can maybe understand just what draws me to it.

And seeing how right my being there feels, I think the time might be right now to become more open about my feelings and desires. The little plant from last year, when I so unexpectedly fell in love with the spirituality (and pretty much everything else there), has become quite strong by now.

It is the kind of life I yearn to live, even if I still have to wait due my special circumstances.


  • Packaging – done
  • Train ticket – printed
  • getting happily excited – all the time
  • getting blessings for my journey (and feeling a bit emotional about it, since it came so unexpected this morning) – very much priceless
  • knowing that so many people around me continue to pray for my discernment – invaluable

Longing and waiting and walking…

Today is one of those days where the longing is especially strong. It never goes away completely, but some days it’s a tad less strong than during other days. Today is not one of those lesser-strong-days. It might have something to do with the beautiful, poignant Corpus Christi celebration which we had today, or maybe the fact that I will be off again to visit my favourite / chosen congregation in around a week, or…

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8 Steps to Discerning

  • Be Quiet: In order to hear the Lord’s voice calling, take time to pray and meditate in silence about your vocation, especially in front of the Blessed Sacrament.
  • Find a spiritual director – somebody you can be open with, who can help you to develop your relationship with God and to help you know yourself better.
  • Ask a priest, brother or sister in your parish to put you in touch with the vocation director.
  • Read up on religious and priestly life. Look at the good periodicals on vocations and check out the ads.
  • Write to the communities that interest you.
  • Visit the ones you feel called to you.
  • Build a relationship with the one with which you have a sense of coming home. Get involved in its summer and monthly programs. Don’t just talk the talk – walk the walk with them as well.
  • Wait for the Lord; discerning your vocation is a process. God’s timing is always perfect – but seldom seems soon enough.

The list is not from my chosen community, but it certainly resounds strongly with me!

I think, it’s safe to say that I’m at stage seven while impatiently waiting for my matrimonial nullity to move forward. However, I’m using the waiting time to visit my chosen community as often as possible and to get to know it very well.

Which, of course, would be much easier if it were closer, but hey, easy is not my way and, apparently, our God agrees. It’s probably the reason why I ended up with a community, I would a. never have considered visiting on my own, and b. the one furthest from me.

And then He made me fall irrevocably in love with its spirituality.

And there people claim that God doesn’t have a sense of humour…


Counting the days…


Less than week and I will finally be off again, visiting the sisters’ community that got to me so badly last year, the congregation that could very well be the answer to the call that I have been feeling for the past year.

After nearly four months of raw yearning to be there again, of experiencing the unbelievable strong desire to live and share this life and incredible difficulties to really
arrive again in my day-to-day life, I can finally be back and this time for nearly two weeks!

Next Thursday – God willing – I will finally be able to be back, praying and being in this beautiful chapel, growing closer to God, working and living in beautiful surroundings and finding out just what I experienced and felt there during my last stay.

I’m so excited and happy!

Vocational discernment – the next level! Or, how 2016 changed everything – again :-)


Closing in to the end of the year rather rapidly (a bit like Christmas, suddenly it’s there, completely unexpected – every year anew 😀 ), so let’s do a run down, because this year was certainly intense, especially on the spiritual level, and my personal updates have been rather scarce during the last months:

* unexpectedly (finally!) found a new job after looking for one for a long time. Actually, it got surprisingly easy once I finally understood where to look/in which field.

* after that, once life became finally more peaceful again, I obviously reached the next level (yeah, I’m starting to compare my spiritual life to a computer game. Whenever I finally managed to master one level, the next one is already waiting) and started to feel the first pangs of a special kind of urging and prompting and just a feeling that there could, just maybe, be more.

Of course, being me, I tried to ignore it at first, but, like all the previous times, these feelings refused to vanished and became more pressing instead.

I finally talked to my spiritual director. More than once. Very intense talks followed by just as intense prayers (and talks and prayers, and… you get the drift), trying to understand and to see where these feelings could lead me, what God was trying to tell me.

As the feelings grew stronger and clearer, we went – just in time – on our pilgrimage, above question in my backpack. These three weeks on the road/by foot was another highly intense time, but once we reached Assisi, I knew that my feelings were right and that I should look deeper into them. I was also certain that my path would continue to be Franciscan (of course) and it definitely shouldn’t be a contemplative order, because, well, that wouldn’t be me.

Once back, more intense talks followed, and from August on, I visited the first three sisters’ communities, which were recommended to me, all within the Franciscan tradition, each with a different focus. With the first visit I just knew that I was finally on the right track. Not the right community, but it was definitely the right direction/way of life, the kind of life I was/am burning for. The last of the three communities was pretty much perfect for me.

2However, there was a fourth recommendation, which was a mostly contemplative community in tradition of St. Clare (not the poor Clares, but they developed from them). I was very reluctant to go there and kept asking why my spiritual director recommended them to me. We are talking about the person who has known me since my first contact with the Catholic church, who has accompanied me for the past years and knows me very well.

I had so many reasons not to waste my time visiting them, but he told me that they were “different” than the Poor Clares and that I should just take a look at them, if only to be certain that I am on the right track.

And he had very powerful help from above. Getting a date with them was easy (and for one whole week, which was a scary idea), I got vacation without trouble and just everything worked so smoothly, it became quite obvious that I was supposed to visit them.

Which I did.

One week later, I wanted to do anything but leave the place. I love how they are contemplative, yet also open, I love the hour of adoration each and every day, the closeness to God, the wonderful, rich spirituality, how really everything they do is focused on God, the liturgy of the hours with them, the silence, the work, the “desert-days”, their involvement with the parish, the… just everything.

The time there made me realize very powerfully (even clearer than before) just how much I want this life. I want to live for God alone. I don’t want anything else anymore.

I think, I could safely consider myself flashed after the week there and just waited for it to finally wear off again, so that I could return to my life, fully, in mind and heart and action. Three months later, I’m still waiting for that to happen. I’m here, yet not really. I am doing what is necessary (and doing it well), but my heart and my soul are not here anymore and just want to return to what they were allowed to discover. The longing has only grown stronger since then, to the point that I will be back with them in February and start my candidature.

It will be a bit different than usually, since I can’t take off months to live with them, but I will use my vacation days to be there and live with them for some days and weeks.

A part of me still worries that maybe I was mistaken and they will turn out to be bad (for me) and so break my heart, and another part worries that they could continue to be perfect, that the longing to be there, to live that kind of life, which I never considered for myself (and I always claimed that I would know myself – hah!), will only grow stronger.

It’s exhilarating and beautiful and scary and I can’t wait to be back there in 35 days!

And then… well, we have to see what 2017 brings. There are still things I need to take care of first before following up on the candidature, like my marriage (I started the unpleasant process of declaring matrimonial nullity – which is highly unpleasant. Nothing like every painful aspect of your life – childhood to marriage/now –  being dragged onto the light and being dissected. If my motivation would be anything less than God and my relationship with him, I wouldn’t even have made it to this point) and finally getting my finances in order.

I’m not worried about the second, it will only take time and willpower, but the first one is really hard on me. The thought that I’m going through this painful process and then getting told “no” is just not very nice. But God brought me here and if religious life in that way is what he wants me to do, it will work out somehow.

But yes, it was a highly intense year and I’m just very grateful for the people who accompanied me and helped me along.

And I’m infinitely grateful to God, for what he has shown me, for these feelings, this special longing for more, the burning desire within me. (though, when I talked with a friend of my inability to really live in the present, I jokingly said that this was not what I signed up for when I said “yes” during my conversion :D)

But God has patience and humour. And he loves irony. Otherwise, I would never have fallen so hard for this community and their spirituality.

So: Have a beautiful, blessed new year and let 2017 be filled with happiness, satisfaction, joy, health and joy!


Alive and back from our pilgrimage!

VF1Actually, we have been back from our pilgrimage for two weeks already, but there’s work and life and, even more importantly, stuff to ponder and process and to take steps, which is why my online time is not all that communicative at the moment 🙂

But since I got a few PMs: I am indeed alive and safely back, so have a short update (Cut for those not interested in my journey (the physical one as well as the spiritual one)

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